The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke.
The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:
- Q: How many (insert chosen group here) does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Ten - one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around.
This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:
- Q: How many members of a given ethnic community does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Ten - one to hold the lightbulb and nine to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.
- Geographical or ethnic variations
- Philosophical or religious variations
- Occupational or behavioural variations
- Trekker variations, related to the Star Trek television show
- Programming language variations, related to computing
- Too odd to categorise variations
Nations and their armies - Q: How many armies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians - Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Northern Californians - Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
The French - Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Jewish mothers - Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oregonians - Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a lightbulb?
San Francisco: - Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The Spanish: - Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Valley girls - Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Virginians - Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Catholics - Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Christians - Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Calvinist Christians - Q: How many Calvinist Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Existentialists - Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Feminists - Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Greek Orthodox Priests - Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
Liberals - Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Marxists - Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"Pro-lifers - Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a lightbulb?
Socialists - Q: How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Stoners - Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sound engineers - Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Surrealists - Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ufologists - Q: How many ufologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Unitarian Universalists - Q: How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Yuppies/WASPs - Q: How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zen Masters - Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Accountants - Q: How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Black Cab drivers - Q:How many Black Cab drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bluegrass Musicians - Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Brewers - Q: How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Central Intelligence Agency - Q: How many CIA agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Committee members - Q: How many committee members does it take to change a lightbulb?
Computer programmers - Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Football players - Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fraternity brothers - Q: How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Freudians - Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Graduate students - Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hipsters - Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lojbanists - Q: How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken light bulb?
Mathematicians - Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A2: In a recent article, Robertson states:
Middle managers - Q: How many middle managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Movie Directors - Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Mystery writers - Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
PMS sufferers - Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Slashdot Trolls - Q: How many Slashdot trolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
Software engineers - Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Tabloid Editors - Q:How many tabloid editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Therapists - Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trumpet players - Q: How many first trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Supplementary: Q: How many second trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Unimaginative people - Q: How many unimaginative people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Vietnam veterans - Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Xerox PARC researchers - Q: How many Xerox PARC researchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
These variants use the fictional alien races of Star Trek. At times, "lightbulb" is replaced by "transtator tube" for flavor.
Vulcanss - Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Klingons - Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Borg - Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bajorans - Q: How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ferengi - Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
APL - Q: How many APL programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Assembly language - Q: How many assembly language programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
C++ - Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
COBOL - Q: How many COBOL programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORTRAN - Q: How many FORTRAN programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Pascal - Q: How many Pascal programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Java - Q: How many Java programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Visual Basic - Q: How many Visual Basic programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hardware Engineers - Q: How many Hardware Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Slashdotters - Ask Slashdot: How many Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Self-reference - Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Gorillas - Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Mice - Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The lightbulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (lightbulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (lightbulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New lightbulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
Geographical or ethnic variations
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere and try again from the other side, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to pretend that nothing happened.
(See WWII)
A1: Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience.
A2: None. Californians don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in hot tubs!
A: Hella.
A: Only one. He holds the lightbulb while the world revolves around him.
A: None, I'll just sit here in the dark, and this pain I have - oy vey you should never know...
also used for Welsh mothers - "Don't worry dearie, I'll just sit here in the dark, alone."
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
A: Both of them.
A: Juan.
A: Oooh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how wonderful the old one was in the good old days.Philosophical or religious variations
A: Three, but they're really only One.
(This is a reference to the Trinity.)
A: None. Though we can facilitate the change, you must remember that light can only be redeemed by the Grace of God through his only son Jesus Christ.
A: None. God has already decided whether the bulb is destined for light or eternal darkness, and nothing we can do will change that.
(See Predestination (Calvinism)).
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
A1: That's not funny!!!
A2: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to berate any men who offer to help
A3: Three: One to screw in the lightbulb and two to discuss how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
A: What do you mean, "change"!?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
A: 6: Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American lightbulb.
A: Woah dude, so that's where the light comes from!
A: One-two, one-two, one-two.
A1: Fish.
A2: To get to the other side.
A3: Two: one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
A4: Three: one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder.
A: It's *NOT* funny.
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb. However, if, in your own journey, you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
A: Two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the electrician.
A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two. One to change and one not to change.
A2a: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is "Four. One to change the bulb."
A3: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.Occupational or behavioural variations
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: (Sucks teeth) All the way up there? At this time of night? You must be joking, guv!
A: One to screw it in, and five more to complain that it's electric!
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
A. Ten thousand: one to change the bulb, one to botch the job, and the rest to form a massive cover-up.
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items noted in the minutes. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem!
(But also see Lightbulb_joke#Programming language variations.)
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A: None; fratboys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in pools of vomit.
A: Two; One to change the bulb and one to hold my penis...I mean, my mother...I mean, the ladder.
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: (with disdain) You don't know?
A: Two: one to decide what to change it into, and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.
(see Lojban)
A1: None. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
Microsoft executives - Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Microsoft doesn't change lightbulbs; it declares DarknessTM the new standard.
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last lightbulb was much better.
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
A: Three.
Q: Why?
A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES -- OKAY?
A: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, THE LIGHTBULB CHANGES YOU!!
A: Just one. But the house falls down.
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
A1: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
A2: How many do you think it takes?
A: Six, one to change it and the other five to go on about how much better they would have done it.
A: None, we don't go up that high.
A: One.
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!
A: What lightbulb? They invented the lightbulb years before anyone else, but then discarded it because they didn't think anyone
would be interested.
Trekker variations
A1: Two, but it has to be a very large lightbulb and they can only do it once every seven years.
A2: Just one, and he fails to see any humor in the situation.
A: Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
A1: Changing lightbulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
A2: None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
A: Two: One to change the lightbulb, and one to request a vision from the prophets in order to thank them.
A: Two: One to screw the new one in, and one to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.Programming language variations
Even though most programmers contend that this is a hardware problem, there have nevertheless been speculations over the amount
of lightbulb changers that would be required coming from a background in a certain programming language, and how they would go
about it.
A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb and twelve to figure out how the new bulb works in the first place.
A: One, but he'll have to figure out the laws of physics first, then arrange the molecules in proper order to create a new bulb.
A: As many as are required to express the different views on programming. Additional lightbulbs may get smashed to accommodate
them all.
A: One. He will, however, replace your light switch by a huge lever that takes three men to operate and comes with a sign that
says "PULL LEVER BACKWARD GIVING LIGHT -- PUSH LEVER FORWARD GIVING DARKNESS".
A: Lightbulbs are for wimps. The FORTRAN programmer puts up some landing lights from an abandoned military airfield. He is
surprised when you voice complaints -- wasn't giving off light the primary function?
A: One, but he only knows how to make the bulb. You'll have to get a fitting socket somewhere else.
A: One, but he'll have to install what he calls a "Lightbulb Virtual Machine" that takes up half the basement. The bulb itself
will be twice as big as a normal bulb, but you can control it from anywhere in the house.
A: They don't know how. They have C++ programmers to change their lightbulbs. They make wonderfully decorated
light switches, though.
A: None. We have an identical lightbulb here and ours is working just fine.
A: FIRST POST!Too-odd-to-categorise variations
A: One, if it knows its own Gödel number.
(See Gödel's incompleteness theorem)
A: Only one, but you need a shit-load of lightbulbs.
A: Only two, but nobody knows how they got in there...Long lightbulb jokes
Lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: List-serv subscribers
Q: How many list-serv subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,331
Debian Linux developers
Q: How many Debian Maintainers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 993:
(ported to Debian by Florian Weps [1])
and for a total count of 996:
See also