• "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
• "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
• "What's another word for thesaurus?"
• "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
• "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
• "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
• "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
• "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
• "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
• "I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
• "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
• "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
• "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
• "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
• "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
• "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
• "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger."
• "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
• "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

Selected filmography

External links